I Hate Being Autistic

I hate being Autistic.

I didn't ask to be this way. I didn't do anything to become this way. I was born Autistic and my whole life I was made to believe I was just strange, weird, a freak, extremely picky, overly emotional, had anger issues, in general just different.
I don't want to be like this. So I can't quite comprehend why people pretend to be or want to be. You don't get drugs for it you know? It's not something you can treat or cure. You don't get any other help or support either. Well not as an adult, especially one without an intellectual disability too. 

You just get given your diagnosis - here, this is what you are. This is why you've never been able to relate to anyone. Why you've never fit in, or had many friends, why you were bullied, why jobs have been difficult for you, why you're anxious and depressed and why life is just harder for you. Goodbye. Good luck carrying on struggling through the rest of your life.
If I wasn't this way it's likely I would have achieved many more things I could/should have. And a lot of things wouldn't have happened that shouldn't have. 

It's impossible for neurotypicals to understand the difficulties we face because to describe them when half the time I can't even tell you what emotion I am feeling, is also impossible. If I can't describe how I'm feeling or what I'm struggling with, how are people meant to know? 

Why should people care that certain sounds physically hurt me? Or that the light is too bright. Or that they are too close to me and I need more personal space. Why should they care that I can't access certain places or services because I personally cannot put myself in those situations or even use the phone? 

The world is not made for disabled people on a whole, including Autistic people so when you're Autistic and also have mobility issues is it any wonder that we become recluses who never leave home and wallow in our own depression.

Autism has become a hot topic of discussion over the past few years with everything from tv programmes to social media 'influencers' sharing an insight into our world. This is great for education and such, however, I do also find that neurotypicals only see confident people able to effectively communicate their points with other people. They relate to some of the points and so underestimate the extent to which we struggle with them. 'Masking' is a term that many people are aware of but I feel they don't fully understand it.

For me, my days differ greatly from the majority of the general public and I don't go a minute without being affected by Autism. I struggle daily and constantly feel like I am swimming against the tide just trying to keep afloat. I deal with other health conditions that I cannot get help for and am not listened to by our healthcare system because I cannot communicate the way others do. Our society is ableist and inaccessible to a vast percentage of the disabled community and that needs to change.
Please realise Autism is a disability and we are living in a world where we don't feel welcome. 

I hate being Autistic.

I didn't ask to be this way.

I don't want to be like this, but I am.