So This is 30?

 

Urgh, 30.

Yeah, today, October 12th 1990, I turn 30. 

I am not a fan of birthdays in general and this year I'm definitely not a fan of entering the 3rd decade of my life. Obviously, every single person and their path in life is different, however, it's still difficult not to compare yourself to your younger self or others, especially when reaching milestones in age and the like.

I'm sure if you've read more than a couple posts from me it'll be noticeable that I'm not exactly 'Miss Optimistic' and I tend to have quite a 'Debbie Downer' attitude naturally. I'd like to be different but it's just me and I can't help it. That being said, that is probably my biggest issue with growing older - wanting to be different in many ways and comparing myself to the expected level I should have reached by now.

I'm 30 but I am unemployed.

I have no specific career.

I have no formal training/education.

I have no extended family.

I have no friends.

BUT

I do have a roof over my head.

I do have things to keep me busy.

I do have a wonderful husband.

I do have fantastic parents.

I do have 10 fur/scale babies.

It makes me feel like a failure to not have a degree or a certain field I have trained in, to not work in that field or not even have career goals. It seems shunned, especially these days, where all women seem to be constantly told they should be making their own money, being a 'girl boss' and not relying on a man. But I didn't want to go to university. I had a terrible time in my school years as it was, so to voluntarily enter another educational setting was not on my radar. I worked from age 15, making money and paying my own way. I've done a few different jobs, always giving my all, but to me, work should pay the bills not take over your whole life. As long as the main things in life are taken care of the rest of it should be spent with and doing what you love, not wasting years of an already short life in a place and around people that don't matter. Being 'unemployed' or a housewife would be fine for me if I had some sort of income or another way to feel as if I contribute to my household other than just cleaning and being home all day with 10 animals.

Seeing people my age buying homes, renovating homes they bought years ago, expanding their family and having kids all makes me feel like a child myself. A failure that I'm still renting. That I have lived in 6 different rentals. All I want is to have my own space, in the middle of the countryside away from all people, to grow our food and rescue as many animals as we can house, but it feels like it will never happen.

We aren't social people either. Each other's company is more than enough but sometimes not having any friends hits you. I've never been popular, had a large group of friends or even a regular handful of friends, but you definitely find out what people really think of you when those you've known since you were a child no longer talk to you because you got married or moved away.

I've also really been struggling for the past year or so with not feeling comfortable in my own skin. Another controversial thing these days is to talk about weight or call yourself fat because we must yield to the 'body positivity' movement and love ourselves but I can't, because I don't. I hate myself. I'm the fattest I have ever been and although some people might not see it that way, when you have had issues with body dysmorphia, disordered eating and everything in between it is very, very hard every single day. It is physically uncomfortable as well as mentally draining. Almost all of my clothes don't fit me so I'm living between 2 pairs of joggers and a couple t-shirts which is not fun in the slightest. 
On top of all of that I still have super thin, fine hair that falls out and has huge very thin/bald spots and my awful wonky teeth that have plagued my confidence since they grew in. 

You may wonder why I'm not doing anything to rectify the shit show that my life has become. And to that, I now bring up my health. Chronic illness from arthritis to asthma, OCD, anxiety and other undetermined physical health conditions that mean I'm in pain the majority of the time all add up to wipe out any motivation or energy I do actually get. Oh and Covid? Hello! Thanks for ruining the opportunity I had to get into an animal care field back in February/March. 

Today we should have also been on our honeymoon. Our first holiday together. And my chance to share my home of Disneyland with Mr H. Having things like that to look forward to really help you forget about other things that may be going on in life and that was sadly taken away from us too.


So yeah. This is me at 30. 

I can't say I'm the most unhappy I have ever been because although all of the things mentioned above do get me extremely sad, I now live with the best human I have ever met. I get to spend life with my best friend and am incredibly thankful to have finally met someone who is so much on my level. It's sad that I am always complaining and down. I want so badly to feel like me again. I guess we'll see what 30 brings...